How do I cope with death?
The following piece might, at times, get a little morbid. I'm writing this within minutes of hearing news that my grandfather has passed away. May his soul rest in peace.
I've always wondered, sometimes aloud, what I would do if someone close to me died. I don't know if I would cry or if I would remain stone-faced. Will the people around me, by virtue of their collective sorrow, make me cry? Will I be a consoler or will I need consoling? I've also always wondered if someone came and cried to me, what should I say? What can I say? My parents have always protected me from these scenarios. I've only been to one funeral and I was at the place for only about 30 minutes. There are rules even there! Don't say, "Hi!", don't say, "Bye!" and so on. So I think I would just keep to myself. I just got off the phone with my mom. She was, obviously, quite shocked and was sobbing I believe. But I didn't know what to say to her! All I could muster up was, "I'll be there soon." I didn't even say don't cry. How can she not cry? And yes, as I was saying, I don't know what to do at a funeral.
What if I don't cry and people think I feel no love? Should I care? Is this confused state of mind normal, for a person like me, a person who's lived in such a protected environment? I don't know the answer to that and I don't know who can be the judge. But all I do know is that, I feel hollow inside. Not hollow by the space my grandfather left in my life. I'm still in the hostel as I write this, so, it hasn't hit me as yet, but I feel hollow because I don't know what to do.
I woke my friend up just now and told him what had happened. He ventured into an "Are you okay? I'm sorry for your loss" mode. But I just said, "It's okay. I'm fine." Am I allowed to even be fine at such a time? Such questions are propped up in my head now and all I can do is mull over them. My other friend, who I called up and informed, because she's my classmate, only said, "Keep me informed." That sounds like something I could do. Sleep has betrayed me and I can catch a bus home only at 6am. I can feel a head ache setting in and I think my friend finished the last of my Dolo 650 2 days back. All I can wish for is that I don't do anything to hurt anyone's feelings or emotions. I need some time to let it settle now.